I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
