It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
