do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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