so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
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