It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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