K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
