If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
