If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
