break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
