you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
