I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
