we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
