Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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