I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
