I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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