I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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