My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
