Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
