Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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