At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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