Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
