Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Randomize
