Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
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