I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
