Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
