I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
