Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
What did we do last night that was yellow?
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
