it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
you win again, gameday.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
