i was born a porn star she said
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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