just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I FOUND THE LEGS
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Randomize
