She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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