Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
