Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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