I faked an abortion last night.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
