hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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