I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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