Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
