So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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