Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
