I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Sorry about my life...
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
