Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
