I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
