dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
It's blow job season.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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