Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
