New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
