omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Randomize
