i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
