My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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