it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
