Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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